As soon as people find out you're pregnant you instantly get congratulated (which is wonderful)
You get asked a million questions such as:
"Are you hoping for a boy or girl?"
"Is this your first?"
"Do you have any names in mind?"
And etc..
Whether it's your first or your fifth
It's an overwhelming joy to know that a human life is growing inside of you.
At baby showers you are told and warned about the challenges of becoming a mom. You are told to get as much sleep as possible before the baby arrives (yeah sure like you can get any sleep between having to pee and getting comfortable all over again.)
You are warned about colicky babies and your told over and over that the first few weeks to months are difficult to adjust to.
You are told about breastfeeding, pumping, bottlefeeding, sleep training, stretch marks and all that mom stuff.
I always thought people were exaggerating but they weren't
However, I came to find that one thing isn't brought up (maybe because it's not a fun topic to talk about)
No one talks about postpartum depression and anxiety. Heck society has put a stigma on mental diseases that I'm even hesitant to write this blog but if it can reach one mom then my intent has served its purpose.
Just like pregnancy, birth and motherhood in general every mother has different experiences. The onset of my postpartum depression actually began during the prenatal stages. It's normal for a pregnant woman to become tired, fatigued and overall emotional. For me prenatal depression began towards the end of my pregnancy. Complete and utter sadness took over me like a dark cloudy day. On the exterior I looked as though I had not one single worry but internally I felt terrible. I felt completely alone when I was surrounded by people that love and supported me in every way possible. At first I thought it was one of "those days" where I was in a "funk" but no. Every. Single. Day. Seemed darker than the previous. I began to feel angry at the thought of me not being happy. It was a mental battle. Fighting to be happy and feeling defeated. Another major symptom was over sleeping. As soon as I woke up I would be in bed. All. Day.
At this point I opened up to a select few like my immediate family and my husband of course. But my emotional state had fluctuated constantly between sadness, anger, irritability and guilt that I felt I had ruined any connection between my husband and I. When in fact this is when communication was crucial.
I felt like an awful mom. Like a failure.
I am so thankful for the OBGYN (and the staff members) I had been seeing since I was around 20 weeks pregnant with Kira. It was at a prenatal appointment that I just broke down in tears. I had no idea why. My doctor came in and handed me a box of tissues. She reassured me that everything was going to be ok. She reassured me that I wasn't alone. She reassured me that we would get through this. I felt safe.
I am so thankful for the OBGYN (and the staff members) I had been seeing since I was around 20 weeks pregnant with Kira. It was at a prenatal appointment that I just broke down in tears. I had no idea why. My doctor came in and handed me a box of tissues. She reassured me that everything was going to be ok. She reassured me that I wasn't alone. She reassured me that we would get through this. I felt safe.
I knew this wasn't something that should be taken lightly.
Shortly after giving birth the depression peaked and it began to consume me. It took every joy and excitement people should feel when they wake up. I spent most days in bed or crying. And people would ask "why are you sad?" By that time I had no idea if I was sad, happyt or angry. I felt numb.
Some women feel disconnected or unable to bond with their newborn when experiencing ppd. I never felt that way however I felt the complete opposite. I felt an elevated level of almost paranoia. I didn't want to leave her unattended for 2 seconds even if she was sleeping in her bassinet. Even if dad had her I felt the urge to have to look over at her every second. That was my anxiety kicking in at full speed. I would become so anxious at night that I couldn't sleep even though I hadn't slept for more than 2 hours straight in the last 24 hours.
I mentioned my worsening symptoms to my doctor and she quickly got me the help I needed with no hesitation. The interesting thing about mental disease is that it's not a over-night cure. It's a process of understanding the human brain and endocrine system. And how a woman's body is out of whack during and after pregnancy.
Till this very day I'm learning new ways to cope. Some days are much better than others. Some days I just want to climb under a rock and forget about everyone. But my children. They are the reason I strive to overcome this. I will overcome this. No doubt about it.
Sadly I don't think women have the resources to fully recuperate from pregnancy and birth. Working moms only receive 6 weeks off following a vaginal birth (8 weeks c-section) which is the time depression is at its peak for a postpartum woman.
Why isn't prenatal or postpartum depression not talked about as often? There's a stigma that comes along with it. People assume that a depressed mother will harm her child(ren) if not herself but unless that mother is educated about the symptoms and red flags rather than be looked at as a threat to her child- it can potentially save a life. Maybe if more medical professionals were educated on the topic we can destigamatize ppd. Maybe if women had more paid time off. Maybe if society didn't put so much pressure on being a mom and all the "mommy wars" that come along with it. Maybe. Just maybe we can destigmatize ppd.
Not every mom-to-be will experience this. Some give birth and return to work the same week and that's good for them. They should feel fortunate to avoid that dark and emptiness some moms feel.
As I stated above if I can reach out to one mom-to-be or a postpartum mom then this blog has served its purpose.
*Please feel free to reach out (immediately) if you feel you may be depressed. You are not alone.
Links to Prenatal and Postpartum depression:
http://americanpregnancy.org/pregnancy-health/depression-during-pregnancy/
https://www.nimh.nih.gov/health/publications/postpartum-depression-facts/index.shtml
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-Please excuse any and all grammatical errors. I typically write late at night to ease my mind.
